I am not strange, you are.

My cousin recently made a comment about me during a family gathering.  The comment was directed towards my not secret love for everything Star Trek.  She said “stop living in your own world”.  This is a statement she and my sister always make whenever i try to make conversation.  Since my “world” revolves around Science, Speculative Fiction, graphic novels, Doctor Who, Sherlock and other pursuits and interests which are deemed ‘irregular’, i get this statement a lot.

Last month, while i was talking about something Neil deGrasse Tyson had said (i was rewatching Cosmos: A Space-Time Odyssey) and they cut me off with their usual statement, and i told them, “My dreams are valid”.  There was a lot of eye rolling at this point.  My mom, the peacemaker swiftly changed the subject.

I got the same statement again last earlier this month but this time i said nothing.  What i did was remind myself that these were the same people who did not notice when i was suicidal and depressed despite occupying the same living space.  They did not notice when i did not say a word or leave my room for days.  i should not let their narrow view of what is “right” constrict me.

I have to remind myself that their negativity does not define me.  I live in “my own world” but i am not alone, there are millions of Trekkies in there with me.

 

hello Door, my old nemesis

I read an article this week on anxiety and how it affects those who suffer from it.  I happen to be one of those.  I did not even realise that I was suffering from it until for one week I kept putting off going to the market and when I did go out I had the runs just before I went out.  it happened again and again and I kept telling my sister that I my runs did not seem to be stopping despite my elimination of all the foods that usually give me the runs.  She looked at me and said, I think your runs are caused by anxiety because you only get them when you are about to leave the house.

That moment changed my life.  Once I was aware of the cause of my early morning runs, they stopped. I still get anxious when I have to get out of the house.  I will not get any sleep the night before and I will be jumpy all day. Once I had to go to the doctor’s office and I could not get my feet out the door for three days. I would wake up early, shower, eat and then dress and I would just sit there and stare at the door.  Then I would take off my shoes and tell myself  “ I will go tomorrow”. My sister must have realised something  was wrong because she called one of her friends and told her to come pick me up.

It is easy to judge when you are on the other side but on this side just stepping out and locking the door behind you feels like a great accomplishment.