For most people, their moms’ are their favourite people, their best friends, the one person they know they can rely on to give good, solid advice. For me what my mom makes me feel is 10% safe and 90% anxious. She is one of my biggest anxiety triggers. Sounds like a mean hateful spiteful thing to say about your mother but…
I received a text from her this morning and I went to pieces. I had a mid-day deadline which I did not meet. I spent the whole morning hyperventilating, crying and drinking Nexium to calm my stomach. If anyone else had sent that text, I would probably have not reacted at all. I would probably have looked at it, put my phone down and carried on doing whatever.
She is like an allergen to my system. She is lovely, she is kind and she can be understanding, mostly, but she kills me. She is one of the nicest people I know. She is generous and always ready to help anyone in need. This makes me feel guilty because she is not my place of safety. If I said that to anyone who knows her, they will say that I am being ungrateful.
She is my own personal dementor. Guarding me most times but sucking the life out of me.
This morning was the lowest I have felt in months. Last week, I felt stronger than I was in December, stronger than I was last month, stronger than I have been in a year. I felt I could handle stressful situations without too much outward trouble and I had been doing that. This morning I was low, but after my mom’s text, I feel like I almost hit rock bottom.
I feel like I need to build myself up again. I feel like I am back to the self-doubting suicidal person I was last year and the year before.
I need my walls up again before Tuesday next week because that is when she will be here. I will also need to find a patronus before then, because my usual one is not working.
Here’s to happiness and finding a new patronus (or strengthening my old one).