the sad truth

there was a time when the message ping on my phone would excite me. i would grab my phone eagerly excited about the new incoming message, or alert of call.

Now every ping makes my heart rate spike, and not in a good way.  i hate every ping, every message that i have to respond to, every call that i have to take or make.  i wish i could toss the phone away. My mother can be very incessant. and not in a good way.She cares, she is doing what feels right to her.  checking up on her kids. cant blame her.

My mind though,just wants peace and quiet and rest.  Something that it hasn’t had in years.  Something that it will never have.  worry is a part of life and so is stress. but they can be exhausting and the constant ring of the phone doesn’t help.

So,i am going to set my phone to vibrate and see how that works out.

You…

You Always seem to sense when i am at my lowest,  because that is when you give me a call or send me a text that takes me even lower than i thought i could go.

You Always seem to sense when i am really really happy,  because that is when you give me a call or send me a text that sends me plummeting down into a bottomless abyss.

But i am stronger now, i have help now.  I will fall but not for long.  i will rise above.

You may hurt me but you won’t crush me.

Really Stormy skies

For most people, their moms’ are their favourite people, their best friends, the one person they know they can rely on to give good, solid advice. For me what my mom makes me feel is 10% safe and 90% anxious.  She is one of my biggest anxiety triggers.  Sounds like a mean hateful spiteful thing to say about your mother but…

I received a text from her this morning and I went to pieces.  I had a mid-day deadline which I did not meet.  I spent the whole morning hyperventilating, crying and drinking Nexium to calm my stomach. If anyone else had sent that text, I would probably have not reacted at all. I would probably have looked at it, put my phone down and carried on doing whatever.

She is like an allergen to my system.  She is lovely, she is kind and she can be understanding, mostly, but she kills me. She is one of the nicest people I know.  She is generous and always ready to help anyone in need.  This makes me feel guilty because she is not my place of safety.  If I said that to anyone who knows her, they will say that I am being ungrateful.

She is my own personal dementor.  Guarding me most times but sucking the life out of me.

This morning was the lowest I have felt in months.  Last week, I felt stronger than I was in December, stronger than I was last month, stronger than I have been in a year.  I felt I could handle stressful situations without too much outward trouble and I had been doing that.  This morning I was low, but after my mom’s text, I feel like I almost hit rock bottom.

I feel like I need to build myself up again.  I feel like I am back to the self-doubting suicidal person I was last year and the year before.

I need my walls up again before Tuesday next week because that is when she will be here.  I will also need to find a patronus before then, because my usual one is not working.

Here’s to happiness and finding a new patronus (or strengthening my old one).

Fear

i have been battling anxiety and depression for a while.  i am doing great so far,but i was recently blindsided  by a decision i had to make. it was not so much the decision as the way i was approached.  i was not offered a choice, it was pretty much i have signed you up for this, i expect you to attend.

No questions of whether or not i was available or interested.  and it took me awhile.  After a few hours and 10 ml of antacid, i was able to explain, CALMLY that i was not interested, and that i would not be attending.

There was shock i think, because i usually say yes when family makes unreasonable demands on me and on my time.  This time i put me first, and i am happy with myself, so far. trying to shut out the negative voices in my head i have found is the hardest part.  the voices that tell you to just give in.